When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do--well, that's Memoirs.
There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
I don't know jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
You can't say that civilization don't advance . . . for in every war they kill you a new way.
Memorable Quotations: American Humorists and Wits
Memorable Quotations: Famous Curmudgeons
Famous Curmudgeons (Kindle Book)