Fran Lebowitz
Quotations


Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of oneís soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive -- you are leaking.

All Godís children are not beautiful. Most of Godís children are, in fact, barely presentable.

The opposite of talking isnít listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater . . . suggest that he wear a tail.

If youíre going to America, bring your own food.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who donít are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesnít put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word ďcollectibleĒ as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

Nothing succeeds like address.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you wonít feel like watching.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.



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