There are only three things that can kill a farmer: lightning, rolling over in a tractor, and old age.
Clearly, some time ago makers and consumers of American junk food passed jointly through some kind of sensibility barrier in the endless quest for new taste sensations. Now they are a little like those desperate junkies who have tried every known drug and are finally reduced to mainlining toilet bowl cleanser in an effort to get still higher.
You can always tell a Midwestern couple in Europe because they will be standing in the middle of a busy intersection looking at a wind-blown map and arguing over which way is west. European cities, with their wandering streets and undisciplined alleys, drive Midwesterners practically insane.
There are things you just canít do in life. You canít beat the phone company, you canít make a waiter see you until heís ready to see you, and you canít go home again.
When I was growing up I used to think that the best thing about coming from Des Moines was that it meant you didnít come from anywhere else in Iowa. By Iowa standards, Des Moines is a mecca of cosmopolitanism, a dynamic hub of wealth and education, where people wear three-piece suits and dark socks, often simultaneously.
The average Southerner has the speech patterns of someone slipping in and out of consciousness. I can change my shoes and socks faster than most people in Mississippi can speak a sentence.
Memorable Quotations: Humorists, Wits, Satirists (A - H)
Memorable Quotations: Humorists, Wits, Satirists (I - P)
Memorable Quotations: Humorists, Wits, Satirists (Q - Z)
Memorable Quotations: America's Founding Fathers
Memorable Quotations: U. S. Presidents
Memorable Quotations: U. S. Republicans